The Crazy Pill
Screw therapy I'm taking hostages!
Jul 28th, 2009 @ 11:42 am
On Love And Coming Home...
A few years ago I bought a book, “Chicken Soup for the Couple’s Soul”. Everytime I tried to read the book I found myself in tears. I know what you’re thinking, the book is supposed to fill you will romantic tears of understanding. Those are not the tears I am speaking of. I was shedding tears of mourning. I was mourning a love I had never had. I thought the people that had contributed the stories for this book were merely telling fairtales. At that point in my life I never knew a love that strong. In reflection I know now that I in fact had never knew love. I thought I had. Until now.
I had never been home before. I have lived in many houses. I had unpacked my belongings and I referred to the dwelling as my home but it was far from what I thought of as a home. I never felt as if I belonged. Now each night when I walk through the door and hear my Dave call out to me my heart swells and I am at last home.
So now as I read the stories in this book I am again moved to tears. This time however it is those romantic tears of understanding that I spoke of earlier. I at last understand. I at last know love. I am home.
Jul 21st, 2009 @ 3:39 pm
Outside Looking In...
I feel at peace today. It is a feeling unlike any I have known for a long long time. I have finally accepted the inner me, the troubled me and the doomed to take medication for life me. For years I have hated those parts of myself. Like they weren’t really me but an alien trying to take over my life and myself. But now that I am on a higher dosage of medicine and my chemicals seem to be balanced out I can see things more openmindedly. All parts of the inside me are real, they are just as much a part of me as the sides I liked. I do not have to like them but I do have to accept them.
For years I struggled to surpress the demons within. Fighting them back anyway I could. I would bottle up my emotions, put on a fake smile, medicate and shut down. They were winning. They were taking over every aspect of my life. My friends, my family, my intimate relationships and even my career was subject to their wrath.
Dave has been more than patient with me and if it were anyone else they would have walked away by now. He has opened my eyes to many things and has held my hand and walked me down a path I could not and would not have traversed alone. He has a better understanding of me and my disease than anyone else I know. Because he has listened and wanted to understand. When others would throw up their hands in defeat and aggravation he has not.
Dave has also taught me (and continues to teach me) that not just because someone has a problem with me that does not mean the problem lies within me and my chemical imbalance. Sometimes people are just assholes and there is something wrong with them not me. He has also helped me understand that it is okay for me to start saying how I really feel and telling people to piss off if that is what I want to do. I do not have to be friends with people just because he is friends with them. I do not have to socialize or make nice if I don’t want to. And from now on that is how it is going to be.
I have tried too hard and for too long to keep the peace and pretend that nothing is wrong only to be talked about behind my back and then have to smile the whole time. I have shed the last tear for false friends and family that only go out of their way to hurt me or ridicule me further. He has tried on countless times to fight for me and my honor but I need to be the one that fights for me. And damn anyone that tries to stop me.
So here I sit looking inward and you know what? I think I am pretty damn great.
Apr 11th, 2009 @ 11:46 am
Oh Brother...
So yet another holiday event and another drama with his brother.
For whatever reason his brother has major issues with me. Keep in mind I have never done a thing to him other than some trumped up charges within his head. He deems us both hermits, losers and loners.
Yes, we like being alone (together), we like hanging out and playing video games with each other and our friends. That does not mean we are weird or that we don’t like other things as well. It’s just “our” thing.
We have missed a few family events and for whatever reason he feels as if that is my fault. I have never once said “Hey, lets not go”. And even if I did Dave is an independent minded person and he would go without me. In fact anytime we have not gone to any of these “events” has been because Dave has not wanted to go. Why? Because his brother is an ass mostly.
We missed his niece’s birthday party. Oh sorry we had no friggin idea you were going to have it a MONTH before her actual birthday and on DAVE’S birthday. We should have known that.I mean that is so common right? Mainly considering the past few years you have it in the month AFTER her birthday.
We missed a mother’s day dinner. Yes, we are guilty of that. We had planned for our out of state friend’s to visit that same weekend because that is when everyone could attend. Did we realize it was mother’s day? No. And you know what once again I did NOT select that date.
We missed his cousin’s wedding. Of course I had to work that day and the wedding was in the afternoon. Our salon did not close until 6. I would not have been ready to go until 7. And on top of that Dave was sick. But does his brother believe that? No. Because Dave went to work that day. A three hour work day. Not an eight hour day. And when he got home he took his medicine, he put on some warm clothes and he stayed in all night. Why? Because he was fucking sick!
We have not gone to see his new newphew who is two and half months old. Yes, guilty as charged. A few reasons for that. They both work during the week. I work weekends. We have both been sick. And in case you missed the first portion of this post his brother is an ass. No, we probably shouldn’t hold that against the baby. It’s not his fault his father is a jerk. But Dave is to the point his brother voice and face make him want to hurt someone.
So tomorrow is Easter. It is also my birthday. In my family birthday’s are big things. No matter how young or how old it is your day to do as you want. But I choose to celebrate it today because tomorrow is Easter and we should spend time with his family. But today the emails started flying. Him telling Dave what useless, lazy, loners we are. Gee, so glad I (yes me) said “No, lets go to your parent’s house Sunday, we can celebrate my birthday on Saturday”.
And then we get ripped for not liking kids. No we don’t like kids. In fact I cannot stand 99% of the kids I have met. Again nothing wrong with that. It’s our choice.
So this is a vicious cycle. They fight. My name gets brought up. No explanation as to why I am involved at all. And then I am supposed to act friendly towards him. I would much rather he quit being an arrogant, two faced prick and just stop talking to me/about me all together. I made it this far in life without him I am pretty sure I can go the rest of the way without him as well.
The rest of his family, his other brother, his other sister-in-law, their kids, and his mom and dad are like my second family and have been nothing but nice to me. I adore them all. It just sucks that because of him it is hard telling what they really think of me.
Funny, I am never the one to say let’s not go but I have all the reasons to do so.
Mar 1st, 2009 @ 7:15 pm
My Stupid Hobby...
I have this little game/hobby I play called “If these two had a baby this is what it would look like”. Yes, I know the name is a little long I am working on it.
I do this all the time, it is almost a habit. But in my defense I am really good at it.
Here is an example (Expect more of them later):
If Colonel Sanders…
And Emo Phillips had a baby…
This is what it would look like…
Heywood Banks
Feb 27th, 2009 @ 3:27 pm
Sex, Men and Shaving...
Catchy little title no?
This message is mostly for my male readers. Yeah right, like I have those. lol
Men, when women tell you they shaved their legs there is a reason. We want sex. We have no other reason to tell you this. Hell in fact if this planet was only inhabited by women it would be a planet of fat hairy women. We try to look more appealing for you. Because frankly I am perfectly happy with stubble covered legs draped in lounge pants.
If we shave our legs and don’t tell you this means we have to go somewhere sporting a skirt/dress or a pair of shorts and we don’t want the local humane society notified that there is a bear on the loose. This is not to say we would not welcome sex if asked however. Afterall we shaved…
By the way, Dave, I shaved my legs. ;)
Feb 25th, 2009 @ 3:31 pm
Somethings Never Change...
I went into my old/new job today to get my haircut shortened. As soon as I walked in I recognized two of my old clients who immediately said they would be back Wednesday when they found out I was coming back.
Two of the girls asked me to go smoke with them.
One girl wants me to go to a “purse party” whatever the fuck that is.
And one of the girls insisted I eat a brownie. I refused. Going to lose the rest of this ass.
Feb 24th, 2009 @ 4:37 pm
My New Old Job...
I just accepted my old position at a local hair salon. I was not sure at first if I wanted to go back to doing hair because in truth I really do not like people. You would think someone in the service industry would love people. Untrue. VERY UNTRUE.
I love the creativeness of being a hairstylist. I love experimenting. I love that I can do whatever I want to my own hair and it is accepted.
I do not love people that are in such a hurry that they think waiting 15 minutes for a haircut it too much. I do not love that parents turn their children loose and think it is my job to babysit. I don’t by the way. Unless of course offering them matches and sharp objects is considered babysitting.
But I accepted none the less. Wish me luck.
@ 12:19 pm
Envy...
I have ran into two different cases of envy in the past two days.
My best friend from childhood told me that when we were very young (16-18) that she envied my freedom. I was out on my own and starting my life. She then said she however, did not envy what I had to go through to get to that freedom.
Today I ran across my “Sisters” facebook page. I quote sister because until I was 16 I did not even know she existed. Or my other two sister and two brothers for that matter. But I digress. As I was looking over her page I came across her photos from childhood. So many people that had no idea I was out there. People I later met. And to this day I doubt they know who we are to each other. They are pictures of “her” cousins, and family. They should have been mine too.
Don’t get me wrong I do not blame or fault my sister. I love her. I just envy that she had a complete family.
@ 12:07 pm
Don't Click Follow Just Yet...
Why? Because I seriously think you will be wasting you time.
I am not a great writer. In fact I don’t even think I am a good writer. What I write may be offensive to many, childish to some and just plain stupid to the rest. But I am not writing for you. I write for me and me alone. This is my therapy. This is where I can collect my thoughts, memories and just a place to reflect.
Are you still here? Fine then let me fill you in a little.
1.) I have PMDD and I am bi polar. Or at least that is what they tell me. Personally I think I just suffer from chronic depression. I rarely have those “up swings” they talk about.
2.) I have a history of making bad decisions, in jobs and relationships.
3.) I have (I think) a great sense of humor. Some people don’t get me but again, I don’t rightly care.
4.) I tend to use O_O and O_o to express myself.
5.) I use “lol” and “lmsao” in place of “hahaha” because I feel more people understand what that means now.
6.) I write poetry. Crappy poetry that tends to be on the dark side but I like it.
7.) I am a gamer girl. Just another sign that I am a bit childish.
8.) I am a twice divorced, 39 year old, southern woman.
9.) I am in a VERY serious relationship.
10.) I swear, a LOT.
So that is me in a nutshell. If you have the balls to stick around and read me then NOW you can click the “follow” button.
