The Crazy Pill
Screw therapy I'm taking hostages!
Jul 13th, 2010 @ 5:41 pm
The Path I Have Choosen…
There are times when I think back to my childhood days and teenage years and see the person I dreamed I would one day be. Am I that person now? Not completely. Am I still happy? Completely.
In my life I have made some horrible decisions. I took paths that I probably should have avoided. But each stumble I have made has led me to where I am today. I have no regrets except for one.
I mapped out my entire adult life. I know now I should not have done that. In retrospect I know that this is not viable. Hell it is pretty much impossible to live up to your own expectations but even more so to live up to the dreams of a naive child.
I always envisioned myself riding along a Midwest road in my jeep, top down, wind blowing through my long blond hair with the summer sun reflecting off my golden brown skin. In the seat beside me is my trusty dog. Carefree and happy I would live my life. No worries, no divorces, no financial troubles and certainly no stress.
Of course I am a southern girl so I have no idea where the whole “Midwest” thing came from but alas here I am anyway right where I wanted to be. Yes, I have a jeep, no the top is not down. What and mess my hair up? I am not blond…this week. And although my skin is a nice bronze all I do when the sun hits it is sweat. I have no dog. And that is a little sad for me. But sometimes you have to forfeit one dream for another.
I had other visions of grandeur when I was a child. I would not be rich but very comfortable. I would have a loving husband and possibly 1-3 kids. This is before I realized kids are just not my thing and hairdressers are rarely “comfortable”. And even though I do not having a loving husband I do have the love of my life.
Dave and I have been together nearly five years. In fact our anniversary is right around the corner. I will not lie and say every day has been easy. But most of them have been. I can count on one hand how many real “fights” we have had. And I don’t mean moments when we are grouchy, in truth I usually always am. But I mean actual fights that hurt and take a chunk of your heart. I would like to say that they were all his fault and that he is an ass but honestly he is far from it. He is my dream. Soul mate is a term people use to glorify love and try to make others feel jealous but I really don’t care what others think so when I say it I really mean it. No one else could ever make me feel the way he does. No one else could ever see me as I really am and look past all my faults. He sees things in me that I was positive only I knew about. Just the other day I told him that just when I think I could not possibly love him more I find that I in fact do. He isn’t just my lover he is my best friend.
So did I take the path I had mapped out for myself years ago? No. But you know what? I was never good and reading maps anyway. I am using the GPS in my heart and so far I have never gotten lost.
Jul 28th, 2009 @ 11:42 am
On Love And Coming Home…
A few years ago I bought a book, “Chicken Soup for the Couple’s Soul”. Everytime I tried to read the book I found myself in tears. I know what you’re thinking, the book is supposed to fill you will romantic tears of understanding. Those are not the tears I am speaking of. I was shedding tears of mourning. I was mourning a love I had never had. I thought the people that had contributed the stories for this book were merely telling fairtales. At that point in my life I never knew a love that strong. In reflection I know now that I in fact had never knew love. I thought I had. Until now.
I had never been home before. I have lived in many houses. I had unpacked my belongings and I referred to the dwelling as my home but it was far from what I thought of as a home. I never felt as if I belonged. Now each night when I walk through the door and hear my Dave call out to me my heart swells and I am at last home.
So now as I read the stories in this book I am again moved to tears. This time however it is those romantic tears of understanding that I spoke of earlier. I at last understand. I at last know love. I am home.
Jul 21st, 2009 @ 3:39 pm
Outside Looking In…
I feel at peace today. It is a feeling unlike any I have known for a long long time. I have finally accepted the inner me, the troubled me and the doomed to take medication for life me. For years I have hated those parts of myself. Like they weren’t really me but an alien trying to take over my life and myself. But now that I am on a higher dosage of medicine and my chemicals seem to be balanced out I can see things more openmindedly. All parts of the inside me are real, they are just as much a part of me as the sides I liked. I do not have to like them but I do have to accept them.
For years I struggled to surpress the demons within. Fighting them back anyway I could. I would bottle up my emotions, put on a fake smile, medicate and shut down. They were winning. They were taking over every aspect of my life. My friends, my family, my intimate relationships and even my career was subject to their wrath.
Dave has been more than patient with me and if it were anyone else they would have walked away by now. He has opened my eyes to many things and has held my hand and walked me down a path I could not and would not have traversed alone. He has a better understanding of me and my disease than anyone else I know. Because he has listened and wanted to understand. When others would throw up their hands in defeat and aggravation he has not.
Dave has also taught me (and continues to teach me) that not just because someone has a problem with me that does not mean the problem lies within me and my chemical imbalance. Sometimes people are just assholes and there is something wrong with them not me. He has also helped me understand that it is okay for me to start saying how I really feel and telling people to piss off if that is what I want to do. I do not have to be friends with people just because he is friends with them. I do not have to socialize or make nice if I don’t want to. And from now on that is how it is going to be.
I have tried too hard and for too long to keep the peace and pretend that nothing is wrong only to be talked about behind my back and then have to smile the whole time. I have shed the last tear for false friends and family that only go out of their way to hurt me or ridicule me further. He has tried on countless times to fight for me and my honor but I need to be the one that fights for me. And damn anyone that tries to stop me.
So here I sit looking inward and you know what? I think I am pretty damn great.
Mar 1st, 2009 @ 7:15 pm
My Stupid Hobby…
I have this little game/hobby I play called “If these two had a baby this is what it would look like”. Yes, I know the name is a little long I am working on it.
I do this all the time, it is almost a habit. But in my defense I am really good at it.
Here is an example (Expect more of them later):
If Colonel Sanders…
And Emo Phillips had a baby…
This is what it would look like…
Heywood Banks
Feb 27th, 2009 @ 3:27 pm
Sex, Men and Shaving…
Catchy little title no?
This message is mostly for my male readers. Yeah right, like I have those. lol
Men, when women tell you they shaved their legs there is a reason. We want sex. We have no other reason to tell you this. Hell in fact if this planet was only inhabited by women it would be a planet of fat hairy women. We try to look more appealing for you. Because frankly I am perfectly happy with stubble covered legs draped in lounge pants.
If we shave our legs and don’t tell you this means we have to go somewhere sporting a skirt/dress or a pair of shorts and we don’t want the local humane society notified that there is a bear on the loose. This is not to say we would not welcome sex if asked however. Afterall we shaved…
By the way, Dave, I shaved my legs. ;)
Feb 25th, 2009 @ 3:31 pm
Somethings Never Change…
I went into my old/new job today to get my haircut shortened. As soon as I walked in I recognized two of my old clients who immediately said they would be back Wednesday when they found out I was coming back.
Two of the girls asked me to go smoke with them.
One girl wants me to go to a “purse party” whatever the fuck that is.
And one of the girls insisted I eat a brownie. I refused. Going to lose the rest of this ass.
Feb 24th, 2009 @ 4:37 pm
My New Old Job…
I just accepted my old position at a local hair salon. I was not sure at first if I wanted to go back to doing hair because in truth I really do not like people. You would think someone in the service industry would love people. Untrue. VERY UNTRUE.
I love the creativeness of being a hairstylist. I love experimenting. I love that I can do whatever I want to my own hair and it is accepted.
I do not love people that are in such a hurry that they think waiting 15 minutes for a haircut it too much. I do not love that parents turn their children loose and think it is my job to babysit. I don’t by the way. Unless of course offering them matches and sharp objects is considered babysitting.
But I accepted none the less. Wish me luck.
@ 12:19 pm
Envy…
I have ran into two different cases of envy in the past two days.
My best friend from childhood told me that when we were very young (16-18) that she envied my freedom. I was out on my own and starting my life. She then said she however, did not envy what I had to go through to get to that freedom.
Today I ran across my “Sisters” facebook page. I quote sister because until I was 16 I did not even know she existed. Or my other two sister and two brothers for that matter. But I digress. As I was looking over her page I came across her photos from childhood. So many people that had no idea I was out there. People I later met. And to this day I doubt they know who we are to each other. They are pictures of “her” cousins, and family. They should have been mine too.
Don’t get me wrong I do not blame or fault my sister. I love her. I just envy that she had a complete family.
@ 12:07 pm
Don’t Click Follow Just Yet…
Why? Because I seriously think you will be wasting you time.
I am not a great writer. In fact I don’t even think I am a good writer. What I write may be offensive to many, childish to some and just plain stupid to the rest. But I am not writing for you. I write for me and me alone. This is my therapy. This is where I can collect my thoughts, memories and just a place to reflect.
Are you still here? Fine then let me fill you in a little.
1.) I have PMDD and I am bi polar. Or at least that is what they tell me. Personally I think I just suffer from chronic depression. I rarely have those “up swings” they talk about.
2.) I have a history of making bad decisions, in jobs and relationships.
3.) I have (I think) a great sense of humor. Some people don’t get me but again, I don’t rightly care.
4.) I tend to use O_O and O_o to express myself.
5.) I use “lol” and “lmsao” in place of “hahaha” because I feel more people understand what that means now.
6.) I write poetry. Crappy poetry that tends to be on the dark side but I like it.
7.) I am a gamer girl. Just another sign that I am a bit childish.
8.) I am a twice divorced, 39 year old, southern woman.
9.) I am in a VERY serious relationship.
10.) I swear, a LOT.
So that is me in a nutshell. If you have the balls to stick around and read me then NOW you can click the “follow” button.
